I had a breakup today. I had never had one before. Until Jon left. That felt shocking and surprising and confusing. And it has taken me almost 3 years to get over it, and this feels significantly worse to me. This one was my decision because things were not going well. I didn’t like the fake relationship that we had. But breaking up feels so, so much worse than it did being together. I can’t stop crying. And I’m at work! People keep asking me if I’m ok. I’m not. Is it going to be another 3 years before I can move on? I’m so sad. Maybe I was wrong for making this decision. Maybe I should have kept trying. But I didn’t know what else to do. It is so strange to me how many physical symptoms there are when there are strong emotions going on inside. For me I experience shivers and feel very, very cold. I get sick to my stomach and often don’t feel like eating. And I find myself staring off into space, zoning out I guess, without thoughts or any awareness of what is going on around me. It’s a kind of numbing feeling of my brain. I welcome comments and suggestions.

I was awarded Employee of the Month at work yesterday. I know I should be excited about it. I am a good worker. But it’s not a job I like, not a career I want to keep for long, so it’s hard to feel happy about it. I just don’t care enough.

I had a realtor come by the house yesterday to take a look and give his opinion on what needs to be done. I have more organizing and cleaning to do but I realized that I would always have something on my list and can’t use that as an excuse to not list the house, although I’d like to. I don’t like my house. I don’t want to live there. But I also am nervous about moving in and living with someone else.

All of those things just highlight the mess my life is in now, still. It just feels like one challenge after another without much, if any, let up in between. Is that really what life is like? Is it that way for everyone or just me?

I know I’ve said this multiple times but I’m going to say it again. I once was a very positive person. She’s got to still be in there somewhere. I really want so badly for all of you to meet her, and for me to get to know her. I’m working to bring her out, I really am. My therapist is good. I had my second appointment yesterday and she gave me some homework, which I like. So hopefully now that therapy is in progress you will start to see that girl sooner rather than later. Thanks for being here on this journey with me.