I have a post I’ve been mulling over whether to write or not. It feels like an important piece of me, something I’d like to share, but maybe it will hurt people or be too much info or make others uncomfortable. So I’m not quite ready to post it yet. Maybe someday soon. for today, this is just a check-in on how life has been for me.

What it boils down to: it sucks. I lost my identity and my true love and my friends. I know I’ve said all that before. But it slaps me in the face every single day. I get up and if I don’t have work I clean the house or go through stuff to get rid of things we don’t need or want. If I do have work I head off for my meaningless job. I come home and try to make a connection with friends that I call friends but that I don’t see in person. I read or try to pretend I’m doing something to improve myself when in reality I’ve been stuck in the same cycle of self-hatred for 15+ years.

I love my kids. I get a few hours a week with them and I treasure those hours. They send me messages throughout the week telling me how much they miss me. They need their mother. What kid doesn’t? At least I get that time with them. I guess that makes my existence worthwhile.

I’ve been working hard on getting my house ready to be put on the market. I have a realtor coming tomorrow. It’s ready. There are always things that can be done but it’s ready. Tonight I took all my cleaning supplies out from every cabinet. Why did I need glass cleaner upstairs and in both the downstairs bathroom and the kitchen? Not necessary. So now they are consolidated and in one place. Last night I organized the bathroom drawers. Multiple lotion bottles, nail clippers, countless nail polish bottles, two boxes of q-tips, lots of boxes of band-aids, now all have a place. I’ve previously gone through my kids clothes and gotten rid of too small items. I organized my night-stand drawers and gave away pajamas that I don’t wear. Is all this necessary before I lost my house? Nope. But I don’t feel ready. I don’t want to move. I also don’t want to be here. But it’s time. There isn’t anything left to do. And the realtor comes tomorrow. So here we go.

I guess this isn’t going to be as long as I thought it was going to be. Moral of the story: my life sucks. I don’t want to be doing what I’m doing now. I want to be doing what I was doing before. I want friends. I want to like myself. I want a husband who wants to be married to me. Yes, I know I can’t dwell on what I can’t have. But how can I move forward if I don’t know what I want next?

I don’t even know if this is worth posting. It’s so much rambling and incoherent thoughts that don’t lead anywhere.

But now coming back to it a bit later, I do have ideas for my future. Not ones that I can voice to anyone. Maybe to my therapist. I’d like to have a friend someday that I can share with. I’m lonely. I hate myself. I want to be better at life.

Well, that was different than I expected. Raw and truthful here. Even if it gets me in trouble. So long!