I wrote them to my kids, my closest friends, my brother, my gymnasts. Just in case. In case I can cut deep enough to say goodbye.

I got out my razor blade, but also some toilet paper, assuming I’ll want to staunch the flow, when it comes down to it. I’m drinking my 4th beer, I turned on a movie. I ate a bowl of sorbet. I figure if I’m going to die, the calories won’t matter. My kitties are all around me. My kids are with their dad. He can be good, I hope, give them what they need. I believe they will be spectacular, no matter what. They are amazing kids. I don’t want to say goodbye to them. But the rest is too much to bear. I can’t get out of my own head. I tried. I tried hard. At times I felt better. But I always fell back to the same failure of a person that I see myself to be. I just can’t seem to get away from failing at everything I try. I wish I could love myself. Sometimes I see glimpses of something that might work, but it never lasts. I’m rambling now, to pass time I suppose. But it’s time. Love to you all.

I expect I won’t be successful. I’m not successful with most things in my life. But maybe this will be different. My love to you all! Turn this into a book if you want. You all say I’m a good writer, maybe it will help someone to read what I went through. Goodnight. Goodbye.