I got home this evening after a long day and burst into tears. I felt so overwhelmed and like I couldn’t hold it all together. I had walked into my kid’s backpacks still on the floor from yesterday, artwork on the table, a pile of jackets that I had taken down to paint around the hooks, laundry that needed to be done, dishes that needed to be put away, plus dinner needed to be made and my kids needed attention. I know these are ordinary tasks and they shouldn’t bring me to tears. I know that even when Jon was living here I didn’t get any help with it. I know that it’s not a big deal if the laundry doesn’t get done immediately. But it felt like I was failing completely in the home part of my life. I have a major struggle with being home when my kids aren’t there. It starts as soon as they get on the bus every morning. It’s go, go, go when we get up and then they walk out the door and suddenly everything stops. And it feels depressing to me. My inclination is to slouch down in a chair and just stay there. Sometimes I do. Lately I’ve been getting to the gym by 8:30 in the morning just so I’m not at home. I always think I’ll go back and do some housework mid-day but then I get absorbed with work at the gym and before I know it it is time for practice or to pick up my kids. Which means that not much gets done at the house. I still have boxes to unpack but I can’t get it done. I’m not at the house very often but when I am I find it extremely difficult to stay motivated. And I can’t figure out why I feel that way. I like working on the house when my kids are home. There are times that Julian is reading and Phoebe is doing an art project and I am painting or cleaning or doing some other chore and to me it feels wonderful just to be together, doing our own things. But I got a complaint from Julian the other day that I spend too much time doing chores. Which means that I need to give him more of my attention when we’re all home, which means I’m left to do the housework when I’m alone, and so not much gets done.

Thankfully tonight I started cleaning the kitchen and started dinner, the kids picked up their stuff and cleared off the table, we went out for a bike ride and baked together and I felt better. I’m glad I can write this ending to this post. When we first walked in I thought I was going to be writing about how I didn’t know how to balance all the parts of my life. I still don’t really think things are balanced evenly but at least it doesn’t feel as completely out of whack as I first thought. Just have to keep working on it I guess.