9:45. I was about to start a new painting project (the basement stairs), but I decided that rather than waiting until the very last second when I’m too tired and ready to sleep to write I would do it now instead. I know I’ve mentioned before but I just love my therapist. Last week we talked about unconditional love, because I said I didn’t think there was anything that anyone could do to make me stop loving them once I start. Even my ex-husband, who totally blind-sided me with his leaving, I still love. He has taken my kids away from me and dragged me into court rather than trying to work it out together, but I still love him. On a regular basis I send love from my heart directly to his to try to fill it with light and help those tight, angry muscles relax a bit. My mother-in-law stopped talking to her son for years when he hurt her husband and their business. I don’t know if she stopped loving him but I wouldn’t be surprised if she did. I just can’t imagine a single thing that anyone I love could do that would make me stop loving them. If my daughter committed murder or my son got arrested for selling drugs, I still don’t think even those things would stop my love. I would want to make sure they got the help they needed but my love would never stop. In fact, I think I would realize that they need my love more than ever if they are acting out in ways like that. But it seems that I am not the norm. I guess that’s no surprise. I’m never the norm. Normal people stay in relationships only when they are easy and fun. There doesn’t seem to be such a thing as unconditional love. I was a fool to believe there was. When my husband said his vows, when people told me they would never leave me, I shouldn’t have believed them. I don’t think they were lying at the time. I do think they thought what they were saying was true. But I also don’t think they should have said it if they couldn’t say with 100% certainty that it was true. Because it led me on. It made me think that no matter how badly I was doing or how much I needed help or how often I called in the middle of the night or pushed them away or said I hated myself, that they would still be there. But, here we are again, lesson learned. So I talked with my therapist, Lucie, about all of this last week, and we determined that the only unconditional love that we can rely on is that of our creator. It is somewhat of a relief, to be honest, to not have to ever expect unconditional love of anyone, because I was constantly doubting that love in the past. People would tell me they’d never leave but somehow I knew the love was in fact, conditional. So I think going forward if I know that all love does have conditions, other than the love of the Great Spirit above, that maybe I won’t have such high expectations of what I can ask for in relationships and how they will turn out. Man do I still miss those people who have left me though. So much. Every single day.

Today was another hard day, at least in the afternoon because it is usually a day that I get to see my kids. But because they are in the city now and I’m an hour away, I just couldn’t do that to them to make them drive two hours on a school night. Of course I got the guilt trip from my ex-husband that it was my choice not to see them, rather than acknowledging the fact that I was keeping them in mind and not requiring them to spend so much time in the car just for a short time with me, not to mention that if he hadn’t moved them so far away, this wouldn’t be an issue. But, I will get to see them tomorrow, thank goodness. It will be a shorter visit than normal but at least we all get to see each other. I can’t wait! In my show (the same one I’ve been watching) the grandmother seems to be manic sometimes (often) and in one scene she went a little crazy and was breaking into a house through a window with her bare hands and was bleeding all over the place and had to get surgery and was then admitted to a psych hospital. I feel like that is how J views me. He says that he thinks I very much need to be supervised during my visits with the kids even though I have never done anything to put them in danger and the last time I tried to hurt myself was December of 2020, almost a year ago. And he’s gone back on his word to give me more time once a professional said I was ok to be with the kids. I get moments of frustration, like this, and I write it here, but in general it doesn’t bother me too much because I know there isn’t anything I can do to change his mind. The frustrating part is that it is his mind that I have to change. I have so many people in my life who know I am a great mom and numerous medical professionals who I see regularly who think I should have my kids. But it isn’t any of those people’s opinions that matter. It is only my ex-husbands who doesn’t ever see me parent. Why is he the one getting to decide if I get more time with my kids or not? It doesn’t make any sense. But all I can do is just keep doing what I’ve been doing- doing well, attending appointments and loving my kiddos. It’s just too bad. I imagine the kids will be scarred by this year without me. They’ll probably need to attend therapy for the rest of their lives, but really, who doesn’t?

Anyway, as usual, I don’t quite know how I got onto that, so I’ll head back on track to the therapy topic. Today we talked about, among other things, really examining the changes I’ve been making. My therapist is super proud of me and keeps telling me how remarkable it all is and how strong I am and how hard I work and how much progress I’ve made. That all feels really, really good. Everyone needs someone telling them they are doing a good job, and I lost that when my mom died almost 10 years ago, so I’m really grateful that she does that for me. But she also pushed me to go a little deeper and examine why these changes that I’ve made are different than times I’ve thought I was making changes before. In court my ex-husband’s lawyer said that I am on a high, like I was a manic-depressive, which I’m not, and that things would turn and get worse again. That is completely unfair to say because there isn’t a pattern to those ups and downs other than the regular struggles of life that everyone has. But it was so easy to answer my therapist’s question. Because this time the changes have come so easily and naturally. When I made that big mistake that I was talking about a couple weeks ago and lost some of the most important people in my life, it triggered a need for change that I haven’t looked back on since. I have ditched an almost life-long habit instantly, I know longer text while I’m driving (I didn’t do this a lot, mostly at red lights but sometimes after the light turned green, etc. but now I do it not at all), I created a bedtime routine that I’ve been wanting to put into place for years, I don’t have problems with my body and I don’t drink (though those changes I was already working on), I enjoy myself, I immerse myself in the moment, I understand adult friendships better, I am a better employee (though I was already pretty great), and I have found things I love to do. These changes were so easy. The day I wrote down those positive traits that I wanted to adopt that I still carry around with me in my pocket was October 1. It has been two weeks and everything has stuck so easily. The difference is that there was a catalyst for all this change. In the past, I knew I should change, knew I wasn’t being the best Ginger I could be or should be, and so I would make a good effort, put on a good show, but it was never genuine, and so eventually I would get tired and fall back down. But this isn’t fake in any way. It feels like I am myself again, finally. And I think when we are truly, honestly ourselves, the changes are easy and the ups and downs aren’t so drastic because they are more about life circumstances than they are about internal struggles. I am just so amazed that I finally, finally feel this way. I’ve waited a long, long time.

I have a few birthday surprises to work on for a friend’s day tomorrow so I’m going to sign off. Have a joyful day tomorrow ❤