I almost finished my refrigerator! Have to do the top coats and then I’m going to do black handles. It looks good though. My house may have gone on the market today. My realtor sent me the listing, finally, but I don’t know if it only went to me or if it actually got posted to the public. It was supposed to be up last Tuesday but then he got Covid and was down for the count for a while. Just glad it’s up now (or tomorrow). It’s sort of hard to believe I’m going to be moving out of this house soon. It’s been such a long time coming that in some ways it felt like it was never going to happen. I’m really proud of all the projects I’ve done. On the agenda for tomorrow is finishing washing the deck. I’ll attach a picture of the beginning of the work. It looked way better after 10 minutes but it’s going to look even better when I’m all done. I’m pretty excited. Then if I have time I’ll get up to paint the second floor shutters. I did the lower level ones a few weeks ago but didn’t have a tall enough ladder to reach the higher ones. I finally was able to borrow one so I’m hoping to get to that but we’ll see. Sadly, I have extra time tomorrow to work on the house. I know having extra time isn’t usually a sad thing but the reason I have it is incredibly sad to me. I can’t see my kids tomorrow. Their dad moved them an hour away (did I say that yesterday? I can’t remember), and because my visits still have to be supervised, they would have to come here. But it isn’t right for them to spend an hour in the car after school, only two hours with me, and then another hour in the car. After school time should be spent doing homework and both relaxing and getting energy out, not cooped up in the car. So, I don’t get to see them. But, because I will always do what is best for them, I can deal with it so they don’t have to suffer the car ride. I just know that I’m going to be thinking of them the whole time tomorrow afternoon when I would normally get to be with them.

I thought of them all day today too. And I felt so sick to my stomach for most of it. Their dad has decided to take over their lives without telling or consulting me. I think they were at a new school today but I don’t know for sure. He has decided their schedule for after-school activities and won’t talk to me about it, and he isn’t willing to let me see them even for a short time (I just asked for dinner tonight). I just felt so, so sad for them today. I made such a good argument for the school that is directly in between where they have their two support systems so that they have easy access to both, but he didn’t go for it. Oh well. The court case will drag on I guess and I’ll just have to try again in a year, sigh. Poor children. But I won’t give up on them, that’s for sure. It’s just too bad. Once upon a time their dad said he would always care for me, always take care of me financially, and this was after he had left me, but now he wants me to pay him child support. I do mention often that people can change. I am living proof of that. But unfortunately change goes the other way sometimes too.

Remember that show I mentioned last night? I watched more of it tonight. It’s good but not quite as similar to my story as the first couple episodes were. Because the dad in the show tells the mom that the child misses her and that he understands that she needs her, and he agrees to joint custody. He says all that outside the courthouse so they don’t even have to go in. Sigh. If only. But I guess real life is different than tv shows. It’s too bad. I’m so happy for her that she gets to be with her daughter. The overnights look heavenly. Her daughter comes to sleep in her bed with her almost every night. It breaks my heart just writing and thinking about that. The last time my kids lived with me, like actually lived with me, not just had fun sleepovers, almost a year ago, even my 9 year old still liked to get into bed with me still. But I wouldn’t be surprised if this whole experience has made him grow up faster than he would have otherwise. I wonder if he’ll still come get in bed with me whenever I do get them back. Oh what a happy day that will be. No one understands why I don’t have them back already. Even J doesn’t have any reasons. When I ask he just tells me that it’s the judges decision or that he already gave his reasons. But his reasons are “evidence” from back in November and December of last year, and half of it is made up anyway.

Woah, I guess I needed to get some of that out. Today was hard thinking about my darling kiddos. I love them so much. More than anything in the entire world. And not only did I not get to pick where they go to school, but I didn’t get to hear about their first day or how they like living with their Gramma or what they think of the big city. Those are things a mom should get to do. I know I will one day but in the meantime I’m missing so much and their childhoods are so short that I just don’t want to miss another single second. The good news is that I certainly cherish the time we do have together, and will continue to do so, now that I have experienced not having it. So yes, today was hard, but luckily I am now just so much better at not letting hard things bring me down. I got in the car after work and turned on my podcast and my story and my music, a little of each of them, and even the first few words and first few beats were enough to calm me. Calm isn’t the right word. I wasn’t angry or upset or riled up. I think I was just hurting. Hurting for my kids. I am so glad that I can feel for others. It is so nice to not be wrapped up in my own worries and stuck in my own head. So I was just hurting for them and the things I was listening to helped soothe the hurt.

Remember I said I had finally found my favorite kind of music? I love it so much. But before I found it I chose songs to listen to mostly based on their lyrics. A friend sent me a bunch of songs a couple years ago and I still love and listen to all of them because the words really hit home, but I’ve also added a few of my own to my collection. One of the ones I’m really liking right now says the following: “I walked through fire. I came out the other side….And I continued to believe, that I’m the one for me….Cause we’re adventurers….We’ll finally find our way back home…. I hit rock bottom. It felt like a brand new start. I’m not the problem. Sometimes things fall apart….And it took some time, but I’m finally fine…. And through the joy and pain that our lives, we can hard things”. We can do hard things! The song is by Tish Melton and guess who she is? Glennon Doyle’s daughter! And guess what Glennon’s podcast is called? We Can Do Hard Things! So, I did a hard thing today. I got through the day when I felt so sad for my kids with grace and dignity and still able to feel joy and love and have a little fun. I’m proud of me. And I’m proud of my kids. I may not know how their day went but I know them so I know they handled it as best they could and that they can do hard things too. I think we may need to adopt that motto for this time in our lives. I can’t wait until we’re all back together on a regular schedule. But until then, we can do hard things!

And, as promised, here is the beginning of my deck project 🙂