of this journey has arrived. Well, sort of. Only in the sense that the question I originally posed has been answered. But I know that finding one answer does not in fact mean the end of the journey. Because there are more questions to be asked and answered, more things to discover and more experiences to be had. It is a lifelong journey of continued self-exploration and improvement and enjoyment in oneself and others and our world. But! On the main page of this blog it says, “Wondering if loving myself is possible. Working hard to find out”. Well, today I found out. I had the best day that I think I’ve had in the past 3 years. Not in terms of what I did but in terms of how I felt. I LOVED MYSELF! I made myself smile and laugh and had so much fun, with JUST ME! It felt incredible. I was just doing ordinary stuff around my house. I finished painting the door and put a coat of sealant on the kitchen counters and washed the back deck and had the best therapy appointment that I’ve had since I started with this new lady in April, had a wonderful time with my kids tonight, and wasn’t upset or sad or bothered by all that stuff from the last week. I feel just a small twinge bringing it up now but it is easily squashed. That’s another thing I’m proud of. During a phone call today I was called a liar. Actually outright, the words, “You’re a liar”. Not, “I think you’re a liar”, but You are. As if it is fact. I think my mouth dropped open and I was momentarily speechless. I can’t believe someone would say that to someone else. I mean talk about hurtful. Holy moly! But, I know it’s not true and I know the speaker has made up other things about me that aren’t true (though they probably believe them), so I don’t think it matters what was said. Other than the shock of the statement, it didn’t bother me. I had a great conversation with a wonderful friend late this evening then listened to music and danced as I cleaned up the house after my children. I went back outside to gaze at the huge, bright expanse of stars that littered the sky tonight, felt blessed to be part of this universe, and put those intentions of love and forgiveness that I talked about last night out into the cold air to be taken up and swirled around and made real. AND, I am SO EXCITED (haha, I seem to be loving the capitals today!) to announce that I have found a type of music that I like. Actually, that I love. It is something I have been searching for for probably 20 years but now that I found it, it’s like it was waiting for me. I am listening to it now as I type and it just hits me deep in my heart and soul, feels SO good! But more on that another day.

So, my journey about wondering if loving myself is possible has reached it’s end. Sometimes the end of something is sad or causes anxiety. But in this case it feels exciting. I KNOW that it is possible for me to love myself. What? Can you believe that? Believe I’m saying that? I almost can’t believe it myself even though I’m the one saying and feeling it. I do feel just a little bit embarrassed for admitting it, because I’m so used to the idea that I am not worth loving or will never be loved unconditionally (also more on that another day), that it feels very wrong of me to love myself, like I’m doing something wrong. But, I can’t help what I feel right? So yes, that part of my journey is over, because I know the answer, but there is so much more I can discover. How much can I love myself? Can I forgive myself? Can I show others more love and support and care and kindness now that I am more comfortable and confident and strong? Can I teach my kids to love themselves as well? I sure hope so. That one is important. Not to bring this positive post down but we got some hard news for the kids this afternoon. We had a long talk, listed pros and cons of the situation, talked over logistics and what a change might look and feel like, and how things can always change if needed and that we have to be flexible too, or that a situation might end up completely different than what we imagine it will be before we experience it. I am sad for them because it seems like their feelings aren’t being taken into account, and they will lose things they love. But, I will be open-minded, I will take the opportunity to teach them about resilience and inner strength and finding the positive in things that aren’t exactly as you were hoping. There are some aspects of this change that they are both really excited for. And I am excited for those pieces for them too. I hope that those pieces are enough to carry them through the other things that might be difficult. But I am honored to have the role of teaching and supporting and caring for them. I will do everything I can to help them enjoy this change. I myself will hope they love it more than they think they will and will hope that the transition is easy and painless. I will look forward to hearing about all they have to share about how it’s going, what they’re feeling and doing, and anything else they want to talk about. This is an opportunity to love ourselves and our lives and each other no matter where we are or what we’re doing or who we’re with. I look forward to beginning all of that so that we are all moving forward with our lives, not kind of stuck treading water like we have been. I actually don’t think that did bring the post down. Initially the news was hard to swallow but being able to see the possibility of it working out and ending up a good thing, is something I am proud of. Not everyone can do that.

And so I continue on this life journey, this self-love journey. I wonder if I should change those questions at the top. Maybe it’s too soon for that. The sub-subtitle says, “Guaranteed to be filled with success, failure, triumph, pain, healing and learning”. So even though I have gotten the answer to one question, all of those things will inevitably happen at one time or another as I continue on. I am glad that right now my life is filled with healing, learning, triumph and success rather than failure and pain. So, onward and upward my friends. This is NOT the end! This is the beginning. The beginning of great things to come. Talk tomorrow. Sweet dreams!

And, because I love to paint and love this choice of color, here is my accent wall and newly painted door 🙂 . And now that it is imported and I know it’ll be added to the top of the post even though I’m inserting it here at the end, I think maybe it’s a very appropriate choice, like it is the door I will open to a new life!