I felt sad today. Also excited when I began studying for a test I will take and hopefully pass that will allow me to get a new job. And also incredibly joyful while I cleaned the mess I made in my kitchen last night and danced to some of my favorite music. But the sadness hits in waves. Yes it is over the same thing I’ve been sad for the past week over- the loss of possibly the best relationship I’ve ever had (with the exception of my mom and kids), and that it is all my fault, that if somehow I had learned those relationship rules earlier on, I could have prevented it. My beloved Glennon Doyle says to feel all the feelings. Well, I’m certainly doing that. I can’t quite see the benefit in it but I’m going to take her word for it that it’s a good thing. The sadness doesn’t dampen my motivation to change, so that’s good. I have been working hard on it. If anyone that I know in person was to read this they would probably say that I won’t be able to continue on for very long. That I’ll fall back into old patterns pretty soon. But I refuse to believe that. And yes, I know I’ve said that already.

So, as promised, the social rules that I have come up with for myself. Just a tiny bit of background before I go on to the actual rules. It has only been recently that I realized that I was holding on to the feelings of being unloved and unloveable, that I’ve had since about the age of 8 or 9. The belief was so, so strong and the temper tantrums I threw were intense. As an adult, I asked for way more than my share of attention, and subconsciously acted in ways that I thought would push people out of my life, and that only their staying despite the ways I was acting would prove their love for me. Instead what happened, as you know, is that they didn’t stay. And rather than it being proven to me that they would love me no matter what, and that maybe I would begin to believe in that love, it was proven that I am not worth loving, that there is a limit to the amount of love and care that people have for me. I do understand that I was difficult, and as much as my subconscious pushed hard for this exact thing to happen, my conscious mind loved these people with all my heart (and still does), which makes their leaving devastating.

Ok, that’s enough rambling, on to the rules. 

This is how I came to the ones I decided on: I know I can’t guarantee that I won’t hurt somebody again but I sure can try hard. I mean, I was trying anyway, but I think for me specifically it is going to take extra harder trying and extra learning than maybe it would take anybody else. The only way to completely guarantee I won’t hurt anyone again would be to not ever talk to anyone, but obviously that’s unrealistic. I have decided I will ask my therapist to help teach me. I see her tomorrow (and every week), yay, so I will ask her then. I must be able to learn somehow. I want to so badly. I want to be normal, to be a nice person. Changing something like my own negative beliefs about myself or adding a healthy habit into a morning routine may seem difficult, but this should not be, because of its importance. I may not understand what is the right or wrong thing to say or do but I do know what positive thoughts are, so those are all I will say, because if I don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it at all, and because I do have many of those positive comments and it is as simple as that. So maybe not easy, but definitely simple.

Grrr, seriously, why? Why would I do something so stupid and idiotic? Sorry, just had to get that out. I can only guess as to why. Maybe I was feeling my own hurt and bitterness and it was coming out in my words. Or maybe I was subconsciously writing negative things in order to get a certain answer to the question I was asking. I’m not sure I’ll ever know why I did it. But really, it really doesn’t matter at all why. There is no excuse, no reason ever, that would make speaking poorly of someone ok. It only matters that I know it was wrong and will work to never do it again. We may not be able to completely control our thoughts, though we can work at changing the negative to positive anytime we think one. But not all thoughts need to or should be spoken aloud. And actually, come to think of it, I’m not sure why there is a reason for anyone to talk about anyone else at all, unless it is out of concern or caring or to help. If it is simply gossip, there is no point to it. I’m not sure what the pleasure is that some people get from that. Isn’t it more meaningful to talk about your own life and the life of the person you are with? Of course there will be times you might say, “Karen and I did this thing together. We had so much fun”. But that’s different than saying, “I went to this thing with Karen and all she did was talk about her problems the whole time”- not productive or helpful in anyway, and is hurtful to Karen, even if she never hears it. Maybe something like, “I’m so proud of Karen. We were at this thing together and I can tell she’s really working hard to get through some difficult stuff”- maybe a similar feeling to Karen having talked about herself the whole time, but put in a positive light. I think I believe that the thoughts and feelings we put out into the world will come true in some sense. So, I am going to put out such amazingly positive thoughts about the relationships I broke, and about love and acceptance and forgiveness and understanding for all involved. By doing that I am not looking for any particular solution or re-connection or even a conversation, but merely peace for all of us, so we don’t have to carry around negative feelings with us. I know those I hurt are upset, I know I am sad at what I lost, and I know there is a kind of wall between all of us, them not wanting to talk to me and me wanting to go back in time and plant a garden that can grow big and beautiful instead of the wall that was erected in it’s place. Ok, I’m getting a bit weird here. Not sure where that all came from. Just typing my thoughts as they come, as usual.

Back to the topic, I also believe there is a way to find a positive in most, if not all things. I know I’ve said this before but I used to be so positive to the point that it even bothered some people. It wasn’t for lack of understanding that bad could happen, but it didn’t make sense to me to spend my time worrying. I would prefer to assume the best, and only have to deal with anything negative when it happens. But somewhere along the way I seem to have lost that trait. I think through work and re-framing of thoughts and conversation, it can be re-gained. And now, back to Karen, if the talk is positive about her, I think she might be glad to know that it is being said. So maybe that’s ok? Hmmm. I know there is definitely a fine line between it being good to speak positively and the point where talking about someone else that isn’t there becomes the wrong thing to do. For example, if whoever I’m with responds to my comment about Karen working really hard to get through things with, “Yeah, man, she’s had it really rough. I can’t even imagine having to deal with everything that she has”, well, that isn’t helpful. Am I way off here? I think I’m trying to teach myself as I talk/type. I am so, so socially inept. Why oh why did I never learn what is right or wrong or acceptable or not or what makes a good friend versus a terrible human? But it’s never too late to learn something new, right? Even if it’s something that should have been learned 25 years ago. I have to keep reminding myself of that, because I still have a lot of life left to live and I want it to go so much better than the last 3 years have gone. Oops, I am so sorry. I said I was getting on to my rules and then I kept writing and not getting on to them. But I really will in just a sec, I promise. I did have trouble coming up with really cut and dry rules because the lines are too blurry to be able to come up with something concrete, but I tried. If there were concrete rules I could follow, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten into the messes that I have. But again, all I can do is go forward from here and work hard and hope and pray that things get better in my life. So, at long last, my rules.

  1. No talking about other people to anyone else unless it is something positive. (I have something I want to say about this but I don’t want to write a paragraph where I’m listing my rules so I’ll add it below no. 2).
  2. When a negative thought about someone comes to mind, including myself, I will reframe it into something positive.

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. Like, a lot. I feel like maybe more than other people. And I still have so much to learn. I’m not sure I’ve really learned much from past mistakes. I think I was too caught up in feeling like I was right, in trying to prove why whatever I did was right, or at least why I thought it was right or ok or not as bad as it really was. I would get defensive and not admit to my wrong-doing. Well, I’m done with that. I have wanted to grow up, here is my chance. Own up to my mistake and don’t do it again. And I believe I am capable of that, because this time, it is simple. The worst part of this mistake, is that I don’t even believe all the things I said. I already mentioned why I may have written things other than what I believed, but I also said it doesn’t matter, and it doesn’t. And now my writing seems to be circling back to what I’ve already said, but when I write, I don’t edit, so sorry about having to read the same thing twice, or three times, or all week long, haha. Although maybe I repeat myself because it is so important to me. I must learn this lesson. I must own up to my mistakes and face the consequences, which are about the worst thing I could imagine. Well, that’s not true, I can imagine worse, like losing a child, but still these consequences don’t feel good at all. But, I do fully deserve them. I think there should be consequences for wrong-doing. In this case the consequence is a constant reminder of my mistake, which will help me to learn from it and make it easier to not make it again. So, as hard as this mistake was to admit to and deal with, I am glad that it has allowed me the insight to know that it is time for change, which will take action and tons of hard work internally and mentally on my part. The larger consequence is understanding that I deserve and must deal with all the pain, suffering and hardships I have endured in my life. I think they are retribution for the type of person I have been. So perhaps with improving myself, will come fewer misfortunes, because maybe they weren’t misfortunes at all, maybe they were just consequences. I can take responsibility rather than playing the victim. And I will.

I am nervous that I shouldn’t be writing any of this. I know it has been the same topic for an entire week. From my perspective, it is all I think about and feel and re-live (both the reality and the day-dreaming that I was different and therefore a different outcome had occurred), so it makes sense that I keep writing about it. And it does feel good to get it out, every single night. But maybe all of you are getting sick of it. I don’t think I’ve said anything hurtful, but like I said in my first post about this, I’m not good at knowing what is ok to write or say or not, so I guess I can’t be sure that I haven’t hurt someone. Although I do think it is only strangers (except my ex-husband and his lawyer) who read this, so maybe it doesn’t matter. A couple times in the past though I know what I’ve written has made its way through the community. Someone stumbles upon it I guess, though I’m not really sure how. Maybe they remember the name of the blog and look it up occasionally to see if I’ve written or something. I don’t know. But anyway, I think I would hear that people I know are reading it and that it’s either fine or that I should stop, if they were. But I haven’t heard anything, so I don’t think they are. Still, I’m not sure I should be saying it all. It’s hard to talk about myself without mentioning others. People are meant for relationships and they shape us so it seems human nature to include others in stories about ourselves. But should I only write extremely positive stories? No, because those would probably be boring to read, and because they wouldn’t show the truth of this journey that I am on toward loving myself (which I even actually feel now some days!). I should probably follow that feeling of not being sure that this is all ok to write and stop, so I will. I will post this one last night on it, mostly because I did want to share my rules, and then I won’t anymore. And I’ll move on to talking about other things and if in the future someone I know stumbles across the entries from the past week hopefully it all will have calmed down in my mind or they’ll let me know that I should take the posts down or that they think they are not a problem. And now this whole post is probably way too long and no one will ever read all of it. I’m not sure anyone reads any of my posts anyway. But, that’s more than enough, so I’m going to head to home number 2 and to bed. Goodnight my readers, if there are any of you out there. Until tomorrow, Ginger ❤