This is a scary one to write, but we’ll get to that in a bit. Today was super weird emotionally. I woke up feeling excited for the day and ready to get up to begin my day. This is a normal occurrence these days, for a couple months now, and it feels good because it is how my old-self, my natural self always was, but is something I haven’t seen in years, actually over a decade. When my now ex-husband and I first started dating, back in maybe 2006, he was always so surprised that when he woke up in the morning, I would have been awake for an hour or more, enjoying the day and getting started on tasks. I was energetic and full of life and ambition. It is such a relief to feel it come back finally, but also a relief to know it is coming back naturally. I’m not forcing myself to get up early or pushing tasks or self-help ideas on myself. I just wake up when I wake up, feel awake rather than tired and like I should go back to sleep, think about my day, become naturally excited by what my day or my week entails, and after a few minutes of thought and prayer, get up to begin my routine and whatever needs to be tackled. This typically happens between 6:30 and 7:30. If I have to get up earlier than that for work then the morning looks a little different but even on those mornings I don’t lie in bed pulling the covers over my head or wishing I could fall back to sleep forever. I might feel more tired but I still don’t find it particularly difficult to get up and begin what needs to be done.

Anyway, that was a long and mis-directed description of how my day started today, and typically starts. I was up by about 7:00 this morning and began baking. Rather than bake everything on the day I put it all out I have started doing some ahead of time. No one seems to notice that the cookies or muffins are a day or two old, and it makes it much less chaotic and time-consuming for me. I baked cranberry-pistachio-oatmeal and triple chocolate chip (milk, semi-sweet and white) walnut cookies this morning and then Monkey muffins (banana, coconut and chocolate chips), which smelled amazing, when I got home from work tonight. I headed into work for 12:00 but when I got there and began shopping orders I found myself feeling extremely anxious. Anxiety is not something I typically experience so it was a strange thing to feel and notice (although I am proud of myself for the awareness of my emotions without judgement. Cait would be proud!). I let the feelings sit (while I continued to work- thank goodness for a mindless job). I mulled over the possibility of the anxiety stemming from my upcoming move. Except I have been really excited about that lately. Not excited about the move itself, per se, but about the idea that moving out represents a chance to start over in so many ways. Out of this house that has been an emotional burden for two and a half years since I started living here myself, and that never felt like a home I wanted or could completely relax or be myself in, even when there were 4 of us living here. So mostly it has felt exciting to be moving out. But perhaps there is some anxiety over not knowing what my new living situation will be like, although I don’t think so. I thought maybe the anxiety was due to the upcoming change in my work status. Today was my last day working solely at Shaw’s. I start at Granita Enoteca on Wednesday, even though I already did a full week two weeks ago, then was there last Saturday and will be there again tomorrow. I don’t really think that was it though. I wondered if what I was feeling was coming after conversations with my estranged best friend, who I miss more than life itself, and my ex-husband (which always leaves me a little on edge due to the judgement and criticism). I thought maybe what I was feeling was in fact excitement over the possibilities for my future, and not anxiety at all. And I wondered if perhaps it was simply a stomach ache from eating too many cookies as I baked before I left for work.

Luckily, as is always the case when I’m scheduled in DUG, I got caught up in my work and the uneasy feelings went away. I mean obviously I don’t get to be the fastest shopper in the department by dwelling on things that don’t support my ability to remain the most valuable DUG employee, lol. And the day went on and I was able to leave work a little early and was home by about 6:45. I then cooked dinner, which I almost photographed as my beautiful image for the day, and then began baking my final product that will go out tomorrow. As I bake I like to listen to podcasts or audiobooks. I’m totally into memoirs these days. As I finished baking and thought about my life and what I’ve been through/experienced and what I have coming up and what is in my future that I don’t even have any awareness of yet, it became overwhelming. I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin, I don’t know how else to describe it. I paced my kitchen/dining room and let out yells to release the feelings that I couldn’t identify. It was feelings of uneasiness with my life and situation. That I was about to sit down to write about my ideas for my future but am not ready to let go of the past. Except I think I am ready. I can’t even believe I am saying that. And it is only now at the end of this writing that I am able to say that. Wow, writing is therapeutic for sure. I just feel ready. I’ve been so tied to my past in so many ways, way back to my father’s death and even before that. I don’t want to carry that identity with me. I am more than all those difficult things I experienced. I would love to meet someone new and be able to form a relationship without my past being an important part of explaining who I am. Sure, it may come up and that is fine. But it doesn’t define me. I want to be future me. Yes, I may like some aspects of my past self, like the girl who rises early, ready to embrace the day, and I can carry those pieces with me. But I can shed the pieces of my past self that don’t do me any good any more. And I will!

I began this post thinking I was going to talk about my future career options, of which I have many! But I seem to have gone on a bit of a tangent and I think that is enough for tonight. I will get to that soon. Maybe tomorrow, but I have an invitation with friends so maybe Sunday. My final emotion of the night is one of power and strength. I feel like I am capable and can accomplish goals. It feels good. It feels like something I have felt quite a bit recently, much more than I’ve felt that unusual unease that I felt today. I am sitting tall, smiling, relaxed, and in love. Thanks for reading guys. I wish you a wonderful weekend. So much love out to all of you. Seriously, my heart is sending out love to all of you, even to those of you who don’t like me or are frustrated with me or who I have lost touch with. I send my love to every single one of you. I want for all of us to enjoy ourselves and those around us. May your days be filled with moments that fulfill your dreams and your heart. Love. Really, my heart is bursting with love, even for those I’ve never met, love, love,

Ginger