Haha, I predicted last night that this was coming. Tonight I just couldn’t not write. It’s been a while. The hypothesis I made a while back that I only write when I’m not going well is definitely true. Tonight was really bad. Well, I guess really bad is relative. There were no thoughts of self-harm or suicide so I suppose that could actually be seen as a good night. But things have been going really well, so this was bad in comparison. I got home from work around 6:15 and immediately started baking/preparing dinner. I wasn’t satisfied with my cookies tonight. I think they’ll taste good. But I’ve taken to doing at least one more fancy cookie with frosting or something like that. I didn’t this time. I guess that made me feel like a bad baker. Ridiculous I know. I didn’t even take any pictures or name my usual signs. I was too mad at myself.

While I was baking I was thinking about all my “failures” and how my life has played out. I have two amazing job opportunities right now but I can’t get excited about either of them because I’m still having such a hard time getting over my past. If I had a choice I would re-marry my best friend. Yes I would do things differently in the marriage but we were such good friends at one point that it’s hard to see that there wasn’t some way to make it work. I would start over with my gym and learn from my mistakes. It is still so sad to me that I won’t get a chance to see so many unrealized dreams come true. And I would be a good friend. I’ve tried so hard lately to not bother my friends too much. I’ve tried not to over-communicate, to not show that I need daily conversation and connection, but the truth is that I do. Do I don’t know how to act. And that leaves me with just one more thing I’m shitty at.

My house is a disaster. As I pack I have been taking everything off shelves and out of closets so I can go through it all and get rid of things I don’t want. But if I am unable to finish packing that stuff with the time I have, it remains on the floor until I have time again, which isn’t all that often. Most of my time is filled with working, or if I’m not working at Shaw’s trying one of my other job possibilities, or spending time with my kids. Those things are good but it leaves very little time for packing. And so my house has stayed a mess. It is totally overwhelming and I have no doubt contributes to my mood tonight.

I know all of this is minor. I know everyone has bad days and I am thrilled to think that today is nothing more than a normal bad day, just like everyone else has. But I feel quite a bit of pressure as I work to get better that it isn’t acceptable for me to have days like today. That they are ok for others but for me are an indication that I’m on a downward path. That’s not what I think. But it is what I think others will think.

May I wake up loving myself in the morning. Up at 6:00 for job number 2 of 3 so I’m off to bed. Goodnight.