Remember a little while ago I mentioned I could feel myself slipping back into my old ways of pushing down feelings and not reaching out or asking for help? Well, maybe you don’t remember. I doubt anyone actually reads all my posts. People may not even read this one, I have no idea. But anyway, I had noticed myself doing that not too long ago and in some ways it is very helpful. It means that I don’t have to worry about bothering anyone. It gives me more free time and time to myself. It allows me to focus on other important things. It probably helps others so that they’re not having to deal with my problems. I had heard from more than a couple people that adult friendships aren’t what I had thought they were. I thought texting daily and at least weekly, if not more often, visits or hang-outs were normal and important. Turns out I was wrong. And so knowing that texting or calling too often or requesting get-togethers on a basis that is more than desired for one side, I have retreated into myself and my own life. In many ways it is better there. It is a comfortable space. It’s where I lived for years and years. I had broken out for a time and thought it was good for me but in hindsight I don’t think it was. Because I am abnormal, being out equaled probably uneasy situations for those I was trying to develop relationships with. But I didn’t realize that at the time and so came to rely on those relationships as part of my well-being. In reality, it is only myself that I should be relying on. Sure, maybe I can enjoy time with someone for an hour or two every month or two, but relying on it for support and comfort and to maintain my mental health isn’t healthy or normal. I’m learning that now but it has been a painful learning process. I’m not sure I’ll ever want to come out from my cocoon again. But I guess that’s where I’m actually supposed to be anyway. The problem comes when I need more support than I can give myself. I had a super hard time emotionally because of my plans last night. It would have been nice if I could have talked to someone about where I was going and what I was doing and what I was hoping for and how I was feeling. Being with all of that and just myself wasn’t healthy. But because I haven’t had any friendships lately, I didn’t have anyone to turn to. I suppose that’s where a life partner would come into play. But I don’t want that. I wish I could get the benefits of a romantic relationship from friends, without the physical part of course. But I’ve learned that that isn’t normal or ok. It just leaves me confused though. I’m not supposed to talk to people or see them often but I’m also not supposed to bottle things up? Where is the stuff supposed to be let out if I don’t have a partner? In therapy only? To the universe, just spoken out loud in my home? I’m very confused. All I know is that isolating myself feels like it is right and like it is what people in my life want, until I need help, and then isolation doesn’t feel like it is right anymore.

Last night was really hard. And it carried over to today. I went for a walk early this morning and I did enjoy the brisk air and the daffodils beginning to bloom in my garden as I stepped out the door and the clearer thoughts I was able to have just by being outside and by moving my body. But it didn’t last. I cried at work today. Big tears streaming down as I talked with a couple who I used to know but haven’t seen in a while and explained how I was doing and what was happening in my life. My boss sent me to the bathroom to pull myself together and the rest of my shift I couldn’t make eye contact with people and just rotely scanned items without much thinking, for fear of breaking into tears again with any bit of conversation. Yes I’ve been back on checkout this week. I thought I was done with that and was only going to be doing Drive Up and Go orders so I don’t quite understand what happened. I talked to the store director about it and he didn’t know either so I’m just crossing my fingers that I won’t be in checkout too much in the future.

Speaking of future reminds of past. And that sentence reminds me of Dr. Seuss, haha. Isn’t there some book where he says something like that? Something like, “and speaking of ___ reminds me of ___, and ___, and ___, and ___. Am I way off? That probably wasn’t helpful. I will find that line and post it. I know it’s in some book somewhere, haha. Anyway, back to talk about the past. I don’t often read my own posts but I noticed that the one I thought I had posted last night didn’t actually get published and so I re-read it before I put it out to the universe this morning. And the part where I talked about being stuck in the past really stuck with me. Not that I have any answers. I don’t know how to move forward. But I am so stuck on losing my marriage and my gym and my friendships that it is definitely holding me back from moving on. I want all those things back. I haven’t let them go. I’m not ok with them being gone from my life. But I think that letting them go is the only way to find happiness in whatever I’m doing now or in the future. I just don’t know how to do that. So it’s a good realization I think. But it isn’t going to do me any good as a simple realization if I can’t do something about it. Any help? Any ideas? There I go needing people. I guess I’m less isolated than I thought. Or maybe I’m only isolated in an individual/personal sense. Maybe asking in a blog is different. I don’t know. I don’t really know much of anything. Sometimes I feel like my posts really get me somewhere or might help others. This one I think just kind of went in circles. Oh well. Hitting publish on it anyway. I like to write so even if I don’t get anything out of it at least I’ve spent my time doing something enjoyable.

I miss you so much all my friends. Thank you for all you’ve given me in my life. May I someday learn what real friendship is like and be able to reciprocate appropriately. For now, I will retreat to the cave in my mind and hope I don’t do anything too strange. Deep love to you! Yeah, maybe even that is too strange. Strange is me, sigh. Until next time.