I started writing this last night but then had to keep baking and didn’t get to finish. I stayed up late, maybe 3:00, but I’m not really sure about that exactly. I sent one friend a text at 2:40 and another one a text at 4:50 so I guess I slept for an hour or so. Nights are so hard. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew what I could do about it. Go to bed maybe. I’ll keep working on it. I had been doing really well since Sunday. Leading up to Sunday knowing I was going to have to be at the gym for Phoebe’s meet was a little rough, just sick to my stomach and nervous and sometimes angry, sometimes sad. The meet itself was good. I kept to myself but talked to a few people who said hi. And then it ended and I felt so much relief. I can stay away now for quite a while and it felt like that will give me the chance to work harder on myself because i won’t have this thing that takes up so much of my thoughts. But then I dropped off a friend whose car was there and I just wanted to go back inside for the next session. I wanted to support the girls I love and hang out with the coaches who mean so much to me. But I didn’t. And once I left the parking lot I felt good again. And the good feeling continued. Until last night. Grrr. Someday maybe I’ll understand that ups and downs are normal. I’m not really sure I like this post. Sometimes it feels like they are important and maybe helpful to others or healing for me to get out. Other times, like this one, they feel kind of pointless but I was wanting to write and I’m on a break at work so oh well. I’ll post it anyway. Here’s the part I wrote last night, and a screenshot of one of the comments about my cookies. I get them twice a week and they sure do make me smile. So that’s good.

I’ve been baking for 4.5 hours. I’ve been putting out free cookies on Wednesday afternoons and Saturday mornings for about a month now. It’s super fun. And people seem to really like it. I also put out donation boxes so people can give something toward ingredients if they feel like it. So far I’ve made enough every time to keep doing it. Tonight I’m doing frosted red velvet, oatmeal toffee-orange cream sandwich cookies and white chocolate macadamia nut. I have to be at work at 7:30 tomorrow so I have to finish tonight. I really want to keep writing but cookies come first. Because I also have to re-make my signs because it was raining on Saturday and I used washable markers. Oops.