I love to write. Oh, how I love to write. This blog sometimes takes the place of my journal. How do I feel right now? Sad, upset, angry. I want to have a best friend. One who knows me and loves me no matter what. I thought I had that and I don’t. I won’t go into it here (see post below, now deleted). How do I find another friend to take her place? I have no idea. Actually, I think no one person can replace another person. Because everyone is different. So the relationships are different.

How did I feel today? Happy, excited, light, free, peaceful. I baked most of the day, which I love to do. I made big, soft chewy chocolate chip cookies and oatmeal peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. I put them out on a stand for free and people seemed to like them. So then I made chocolate dough that has to be refrigerated overnight to make ‘hidden mint morsels’ tomorrow. It’s chocolate cookie with a mint frosting and then melted semi-dark chocolate on top. They look so good. I can’t eat them. I stopped eating gluten, dairy and sugar a couple weeks ago. It’s been going well although I suspect some sugar has crept in there a little bit.

How am I doing now? Crappy. I give up. I don’t know how to act or what I’m supposed to do or say or be. I have been doing well for weeks now. Weeks. That is a really good thing for me. A long time. I’ve had hard days but they haven’t been nearly as hard as they used to be. Mostly I’m doing well. I’m going to work, I’m keeping my house clean, I’m showering, I’m taking care of my cats and my kids when they’re here, I’m reading and taking classes and learning and working every single day on getting better. And I am getting better. But is it enough? To give me the life I want? To have friends who love me? To make an impact on the world? To improve myself? To help those around me?

I don’t know. I don’t know much about anything. I know how to bake and how to sit down to read when I need to, or sometimes even when I don’t need to. I think I know how to care for and raise my children. I used to think I knew how to coach gymnastics. I do know how to put a grocery order through the Shaw’s online system. I’m the fastest one on staff! But what is that worth? I know how to bake chocolate chip cookies that people like. I don’t know how to interact with people in a normal way. I don’t know how to make friends. I do know that I love the people I’ve met in my life. I don’t know what my life is going to look like going forward. I know I will keep trying. I’ve tried to give up before. It didn’t work. I’m still here. So I will figure it out. Will I find friends? Will I find a career I love? Will I help mold my kids into amazing humans? Will I fall and break and crash and have to build myself up again? Time will tell.