I’m not really sure what to say tonight. I’m sick of complaining and talking about hating myself and hurting myself and drinking too much and not having any friends or doing my best to be alone even though it’s the last thing I want. Julian keeps asking me if I’m ok or if I’m sad or mad, and I have to say yes I’m fine, even though I’m not, because I want to be. But both kids love being with Jon so much more than they love being with me, and it hurts. Phoebe was in tears when she got dropped off this afternoon because she didn’t want to come back. Julian is still going on and on about the cross-country trip they’re going to take. I can’t blame them. It’s like a party every time they’re there. In addition to two other kids and another adult they often hang out with Stephanie’s parents, her brother, and sometimes Jon’s mom. Compared to that being with me sure looks boring. I remember my mom working in the house and in the garden. So I went out into the yard or the woods to play, sometimes with a friend, sometimes alone. My kids seem to need my attention in order to be happy. So I played a game with Phoebe and chess with Julian when what I really wanted to be doing was cleaning the kitchen and going through a bag of stuff that I took out of the car. I suppose I do love my kids but I don’t like how needy they are.

Anyway, I’ve decided it’s time I put on a happy face. Maybe it’ll become reality by acting it. I used to be really good at pretending, maybe it’s like riding a bike. I’m just too sick of being down all the time to do it anymore so I’m not going to. I’ll pretend until I can fool myself too. I’ve started making plans. I have a potential play date on Thursday, a dinner planned for Friday and a hike planned for Saturday. I’d like to hide away so no one can see me and I know when it comes down to it I will want to cancel but for the moment I’m deciding I should be with people, even if people don’t want to be with me. Wasn’t it just a few days ago that I had decided I was going to try to be alone and not make plans with anyone? I’m so confused about what is best. When I’m alone I feel lonely and like I must be an awful person if no one wants to hang out with me but think I need to find a way to get used to it. Then in an instant I feel like I should be making an effort to keep people in my life. But I’m still lonely if those people are only humoring me. I want real connection, real friends, how do I get that? I have a hard time not assuming that I will do, and am doing, something terrible that will make people want to leave. In the same moment I worry that I don’t do enough, that I’m not interesting enough for people to stay. Seriously, how do people ever keep friends without going insane? How do friendships work? Maybe one person has to do all the planning and inviting and the other just goes along for the ride? Maybe I need to take more initiative. But then I just assume people are saying yes even though they don’t really want to hang out with me. But maybe they’re pretending too and I won’t be able to tell and it won’t really matter. So I’ll keep pretending for now. And maybe some of you will keep pretending too. And we can be pretend friends except no one will know that the other is pretending and it’ll seem real. What is real? How do you know? When will I be real? Will the real me ever be enough? Until then, the pretend Ginger, coming to a town near you!