When I drink, I don’t cry. Which I guess is why I do it as often and as much as I do. I recognize it’s a problem but I like myself so much more when the bottle is halfway gone. I dance in the mirror and organize my closet and do my dishes and get a few rounds of push-ups and sit ups in. But I also eat. Then I hate myself even more the next morning, when I’ve gained weight yet again. Yes I bought another scale even though I had thrown my old one away many months ago. I wish my feelings of self-worth weren’t so tied to my weight. I feel so terrified that people won’t like me if I’m fat, though I guess I also worry that people won’t like me if I talk too much or don’t talk enough or say the wrong things or act weird or turn down invitations or act needy or try to get too close or, or, or…. Anyway, this is not where I saw this post going, but sometimes I just write and things spew out and I eventually convince myself, after minutes or hours of debating with myself, that it’s ok to push ‘publish’ on whatever I’ve written, that it’s healthy to get out whatever is going on up there in my head. But you know, before I go on to the next topic, sometimes maybe drinking is ok because I have now washed all the drawers and shelves in my fridge and mopped my kitchen floors. And that’s all on that topic.

I wanted to talk about my counseling session today. It was great, as always. For what seems like the hundredth time, Cait reminded me of what to do when I’m feeling down. First of all, I need constant support (from myself) that it’s ok, and normal, to feel the way I’m feeling, no matter what it is. So I’ll try. Secondly, it is more than just acknowledging what I’m feeling. Back when I was still posting to Facebook, before this blog had started, I shared with everyone an acronym developed by Terra Brock, titled RAIN, which stands for Recognize (what is happening), Allow (the experience to be there, just as it is), Investigate (with interest and care) and Nurture (with self-compassion). I knew the recognize piece but had stopped there, and could never understand how simply recognizing what I was feeling was going to help me get past it. It feels good to be reminded of the steps that should follow, and I will work on them.

Remember my musings on distraction and whether it’s good for overcoming depression? We also discussed how much I’ve been reading lately and Cait says it’s a bit like hiding. There has to be some actual work happening or things will never get better. So I will try my best to work through things, before hiding myself away in my book. I can’t guarantee that I won’t sometimes just disappear into another world so I can forget my own but I’ll do my best not to.

Lastly, she told me about an app she’s been using, called Commune, which I downloaded but haven’t gotten a chance to look at closely yet. I will tonight after my kids are in bed, which they’re not yet (at 9:13), because I’m shirking my parenting responsibilities and letting them watch a movie. I opened it to the first couple pages which say something like, ‘welcome to our course platform for personal and societal well-being. Our courses focus on health, growth and impact.’ I’m looking forward to looking deeper into it. Cait shared with me one course that she watched that she really thinks will help me called the Wellness Master Course which basically examines all aspects of your life and focuses on balancing them. She knows how I hate to be unproductive and I love that she thinks of me even outside our sessions, so that she can recommend something when I’m there. I plan on taking the course and I hope it will help.

Before I go, I have one complaint to share, just so I can get it off my chest. My kids have been talking about this all freaking day long, because they’re so excited. For a cross-country road trip with Jon and Stephanie. They burst through the door this morning when they got dropped off and immediately started talking about it, and there went my attempt at being a good mother for the day. My mom took James and I out of school for 3 months when he was 12 and I was 14. We drove across the country and back, stopping at various national parks and famous/interesting landmarks. It is a trip I’ll never forget and one I must have shared details with Jon about. I know I had mentioned wanting to do the same with our kids when they’re older, because it is one of the ideas I’ve had the hardest time letting go of now that he won’t be coming with us. And so it felt like a punch to the gut to hear that he and Stephanie plan on taking them on the trip that I had planned. It feels like he is intentionally doing it to hurt me. I still want to take them, whether he does also or not, but it won’t make it as special, and it hurt. I’ve had a hard time letting go of it today, even though our day was filled with other things. Ok, complaining is done. I plan on enjoying my night, since the bottle is now 3/4 of the way gone. Good night!!