So many tears lately. I was awakened around 5:30 this morning to 4-5 texts in a row from Jon asking Phoebe’s practice schedule, which I’ve already sent him multiple times, not to mention we’re already into the second week of practice so he should have asked two weeks ago if he didn’t remember. I don’t know why he thinks it’s ok to send that many texts at that time of day. Yes he’s up because the kids get up, but I’m not. It feels very inconsiderate. Then what should be a simple question and answer that is done in 3 minutes turns in to hours of criticism over the days and times that practices are held, the fact that I make the schedule, that it takes away from his time with her (she has practices on my days too, for the record, not just his), that she ends too late, that I therefore have to feed her dinner because she’ll miss it with him, that she shouldn’t need to practice so much, that summers should be fun, that it’s hard to be supportive of her because he thinks I’m inconsiderate, and on and on. I was still getting texts at 10:42 in the middle of my practice. Phoebe did come to her practice tonight though at least. But she said that Stephanie brought her and was going to pick her up. Stephanie was also the one to pick up both kids on Wednesday morning when Jon’s time with them starts. She has been communicating with me directly about details for pick up and drop off which is weird because I’d rather not have anything to do with her. It feels like if they’re going to be spending time with Stephanie instead of Jon then I should just get to keep them. But I don’t dare say that. It feels like I’m back at the beginning of my separation with Jon just like it feels like I’m back at the beginning of trying to sort through my feelings. Things should be figured out by now shouldn’t they? We have a schedule that we’re supposed to stick to. If it could just stay the same then we wouldn’t have much need to communicate and there wouldn’t be any reason for him to criticize me. Right? It just doesn’t seem to work that way for some reason.

Anyway, here I am again crying tears over how terrible I felt about myself today. I wish he didn’t get to me. I had two different groups of girls today who had good practices. Usually my mood is dependent on how well my practices have gone so I should be happy. Instead I’m eating ice cream straight from the carton and writing here. I only seem to feel the need to write when things aren’t going well.

I head back to counseling tomorrow morning. I’m looking forward to it. It feels like I need it more than ever. I think the absence of the medication in my system is a big culprit for my up and down moods. The tears just come so easily lately. Even in the middle of practice I had to go to the bathroom to pull myself together. Then as soon as I got in the car to go home they started again. Sometimes I don’t even know why I’m crying other than my life feels like it has no purpose. I hope I can find a way to combat the tears. For now I just try to make it through to whenever they stop and I can move myself into something else. Sigh. Life is hard. Have a great weekend everyone.