I felt good today. Until Jon sent me texts accusing me of intentionally scheduling (or allowing my coaches to schedule) Phoebe’s practice times during the time he is taking care (and I use the words taking care lightly) of her. Even though I disagreed with him because my coaches should be allowed to set their practice schedules and it would be nearly impossible to make it work for him, me, them, and the parents, and because she has two practice during her time with me, just like she does with him. Even though I disagreed with him it still made me feel bad, like I really had done something wrong. And there went my mood. It doesn’t take much to tip it downward these days. Luckily, I was able to get it back during practice. But, the realization that Jon specifically affects my mood pretty strongly was eye opening. Some of you probably could have told me that but I thought that because I ignore anything that doesn’t pertain to the kids’ schedules that I was doing well in regards to him. Not so. His frequent criticisms are definitely getting to me, and probably wear on me more than I know. Riss has mentioned many times that I should get some kind of 3rd party to act as a go-between. I’m ready. I don’t know if there is a such a thing but I’ll ask my lawyer. He has started coming in to the house when he drops off or picks up the kids. I reminded him today that he wasn’t supposed to be doing that and he told me that I was making it hard on them. Excuse me, who’s making it hard? Who is the one who left?

Aside from some unwanted interactions with Jon, today was good. I’m really glad Christmas is over. Like totally relieved, big weight off my shoulders. Don’t know why I feel like that. I didn’t think I was putting that much expectation or feeling into the day but apparently I was. Today was the first day that Julian went with Jon without saying he didn’t want to go. I miss the kids tonight. It was a change from the past few times they’ve been with Jon, when I couldn’t wait to get rid of them, but today I felt sad that they couldn’t be home playing with their toys and relaxing during their vacation.

I got the best book ever today! The cutest story about a boy and the mole, fox and horse he makes as friends. I’ve read the whole thing twice already. It is full of great quotes that I will hang around the house. Cait has been suggesting I do that but I wasn’t sure what to hang. Now I know!

I’m grateful that people like me. I have two purring kittens in my lap. I found the ceremony notes from my wedding in one of Jon’s boxes tonight. I burned them in the bathroom. And the smoke detectors didn’t go off! I felt a feeling that I hadn’t felt in a while tonight- that I was tired of feeling down, and was willing to put some work in. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that. I’m going to take a hot shower in my smoke-filled bathroom. Thank you to those of you who are still here with me.