I had a rough night last night. I was up until after 3:00 am and then woke up around 5:30 and couldn’t fall back to sleep. But once I finally got out of bed, the intense pain and suffering of the past two weeks was gone. I have no idea what made it go, just as I have no idea what made it come in the first place. I naively assumed that I wouldn’t feel bad at all anymore, now that I was feeling better. But, as I walked out the door to meet a friend much of the embarrassment and self-loathing came rushing back. Luckily, it didn’t last long and I was able to have a good day. I had a few good times over the past couple weeks but it always felt like distraction from what I was really feeling. This felt different. I was able to more genuinely enjoy myself and my day without feeling like I was faking or hiding my true emotions.

Before we even made it home from the gym, however, Julian began a temper tantrum like I’ve never seen him have. Phoebe threw pretty major ones from about age 1.5-4.5, but Julian has always been fairly even tempered and mostly happy, so it came as a big surprise. It continued off and on all night. He yelled, slammed doors, cried, and didn’t want to be hugged or held. He was obviously hurting and I felt pretty powerless. I was also brought back to my own temper tantrums and knew exactly how he was feeling. That didn’t make it any easier to deal with so unfortunately the feeling good didn’t last while I was home. I’ve found it very difficult to be with my kids the past couple weeks and I was really disappointed to still feel that way tonight, even though I had been feeling better for much of the rest of the day. I’m still extremely tired so maybe it is just that they wear me out and not that I don’t like being with them anymore. At least I’m hoping that’s what it is.

So, some ups and downs in my emotions today. Maybe that’s normal. I think I search for a way to be happy all the time. Maybe that’s not realistic.

I also wanted to touch on a piece of the conversation I had with my brother the other day. You might recall that I have been struggling with not knowing who I am. I thought that my true personality was hidden by my depression and by being too caught up in work and in my kids, so that there wasn’t time for any piece of the real me to come out. James helped me to see that my personality is still there, but maybe just comes out in different ways. I am always surprised and confused as to why he would feel the way he does when he says things like he looks up to me, because I think of myself so negatively and don’t see anything in myself that would be worth looking up to. But he went on to explain that I was a straight-A student, a successful athlete, well-behaved and seemed to know what I wanted in life, and still do. I looked at him and saw that he followed his dreams rather than following a traditional, but not always right for everyone kind of path, and that he had a lot of fun along the way. I was envious of his ability to go with the flow and move from thing to thing as he pleased. As we continued talking I realized that personality just comes out in different ways as you get older and begin to have more responsibilities. The self I was trying to be was someone in college who had no job, no kids, no house, no (ex) husband, no real stress. Of course she would have an easy time of staying happy, having fun, being relaxed and easy-going. I have trouble with praising myself (or hearing it from others) but I see that my personality isn’t as hidden as I thought. James described my success in various aspects of my life, his amazement at the kind of mom I am and my ability to keep going , working hard, and not giving up (until the past couple weeks). Then I got a text from someone today who said; You are a strong, beautiful, successful woman who is also the mother of two awesome kids. And while I don’t believe a word of what he says, I see that other people do so maybe my personality is coming through somehow. I’m not just a mom, I’m a certain kind of mom based on the type of person I am. I’m not just a coach, I have my own specific way of coaching that is true to who I am. I can have fun and be happy and care-free like that college girl, in and among and during my other responsibilities. She may not be there as often but she is there. And the other things, success and strength and hard work, they are part of my personality too. So I guess I do know who I am. I might not always like who I am but at least I know.