The past few days, really since I came to the realization that I didn’t have to pay attention to Jon’s criticisms, I’ve been feeling on top of the world. I thought I was beginning to understand that life is a roller coaster but that you don’t have to let the bad stuff affect you. I thought that by recognizing that things would sometimes be difficult or painful but focusing on the positive would make it so those difficult times would be easier to deal with. I found out today that that is not true. My head really hurt this morning which is very uncharacteristic and I didn’t know how to deal with it. Which meant I got frustrated with myself for not being able to push through it enough. Then Julian was misbehaving tonight and when I asked him why before bed he said he didn’t know. I do think he thought about it before he answered and honestly didn’t know why he was acting the way he was. I didn’t either. But it made me feel bad. Consciously I understand that kids are not always going to be perfect, that I won’t always have productive days, that I will get hurt by other people or frustrated with tough situations. But I discovered that knowing those things will happen isn’t enough to keep them from making me feel bad, and am once again left going, what is wrong with me? Really, how naive can I be? And then here I am stuck in this feeling of inadequacy, not knowing how to get out. Every time I get here I realize that I don’t know what I’m supposed to do when I’m here. How is it possible that I still don’t know? Isn’t it what I’ve been working on? Learning how to not get stuck in negative emotions? No, maybe it’s not what I’ve been working on. Maybe I’ve been trying to figure out what life is like. I am doing that I suppose. But shouldn’t there be a way to get out? To not let stuff get to you? Maybe not. Is the lesson that I have to let myself feel whatever it is I’m feeling and that’s it? Be present? But still, shouldn’t I be doing something? Noticing what I’m feeling? Is that enough? Meditation? Listening to songs? Writing what I’m grateful for? Something else? I guess it can’t hurt to try those things. Maybe they’ll raise my mood. Sigh. I really thought I was getting the hang of this whole life thing. That’s all for now. I’m lost.