Jon put an envelope with some kind of divorce papers on the front seat of my car this morning. I thought they were going in the mailbox so it was a bit of a surprise to see them when I got in to head to the gym. He has asked me many times if we can sign papers. I hate it when he asks. It makes my world fall apart again. I get used to the way things are, maybe subconsciously I think it is temporary, like a bad dream. Then he asks and it brings me back to reality. We scheduled a time to sit down together. Then he postponed it and we re-scheduled. Then he asked that we wait until he got back from a recent trip. It was so hard for it to keep changing and for me to go through the heartbreak every time he asked. At my therapist’s encouragement I told him that I didn’t want to sit down with him, which I don’t. I told him that I would look over whatever paperwork he had and get back to him with a response. I told him that he has been so critical lately that it is too hard for me to see him or spend any time with him. He apologized for being critical and promised he would try to be better. But it didn’t take long before the criticisms were back and I was receiving angry texts. He tried to tell me that we had to go to court together to do the paperwork, but my therapist had told me otherwise and I told him as much. Turns out I was right but then he said we had to go to the town hall together. I said no to that too and he found another way. He found someone to notarize the papers (the same woman, a good friend of his mom’s, who married us) and wanted me to meet with her (at least he finally wasn’t going to be there) for me to sign. But I didn’t feel comfortable with her. I really like her and she married us and I assumed we would stay married and I know she did too (she was outspoken about us as a good couple) so it feels embarrassing to be breaking up something she was a part of. Of course he got mad that I didn’t want to meet with her, and didn’t understand why. So much for not being critical. But, he agreed, and just asked that I get it signed somehow and get it back to him. I told him to put it in the mailbox and that I would find time to do it. And then he put it on my front seat.

I went to work for 9 hours. I’m tired. It was a fun but tiring few days. Then I got back in my car and had to see that envelope again. Jon picked the kids up this morning and has them until Friday night so I have another 2 days by myself. I got a couple errands done and then made it home. I was so determined not to get caught up in depression or self-pity like the last time I was forced to be home alone. And I didn’t! I’ve had to keep repeating to myself that I’m not going to let it get to me, but it seems to be working. I know next time I may need something different, but I’m glad this time I didn’t fall too far down the hole.

But that envelope is down on the island. The island that I work hard to keep clear because my kids like to use it as a dumping place for things they bring in from the car. But as is now the Mermer motto, everything has a place, so the island has nothing else on it. Except the envelope that is down there waiting for me. And I haven’t opened it. And I don’t want to. And I know I have to get it signed, but I don’t want to do that either. And I know I may be better off and may find much more happiness in my life without him but I’m just having so much trouble believing those things deep down. Maybe I need to sign the papers and I’ll get there more easily. But I can’t bring myself to open the envelope. How do I open the envelope?