When the kids arrived home this afternoon, about 20 minutes late, which is practically early for Jon, they both came in and immediately started grumbling that they didn’t feel good. We all sat in the one chair in the living room (when I sold the sectional in the basement I moved the old ones down there to make room for new ones but they’re in the garage right now so I can paint the ceiling) and talked. Eventually they seemed to start feeling better and we went down to the basement so we could actually be on a couch. After not too long one of them, probably Phoebe, said they were hungry, and the other one chimed in that they were too, and then it came out that they hadn’t eaten lunch but had had a whole donut. This was around 4:00. No wonder they were feeling sick! Just wanted to share that story to make myself feel better about my parenting. Jon might take them out to fun things but at least I meet their basic needs. I realize now that we are different types of parents. Phoebe was so snuggly all afternoon (she couldn’t even eat her dinner without practically climbing onto my lap), and has woken up about 6 times already tonight to ask for a hug, that I guess she does miss me and love me too.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t think I could use some work as a parent. Phoebe has been extremely difficult since about age 2. She was very mobile very early so could get into and onto things quickly. One of my favorite pictures of her is of what I called “toilet soup”, where she had somehow managed within minutes of me turning my back to throw all kinds of different objects into the toilet, including Julian’s beloved Taggie blanket, and stood there grinning when I found her. Good thing she didn’t try to flush it! Because of her early mobility she felt very independent and did not like anyone to help her with anything. While I recognize the benefits that being strong-willed, independent and determined will give her later in life, as a child, it is hard to fight against. These days she is bossy and sometimes downright mean to Julian. I’ve given him permission to use the phrase, “Phoebe, you’re not my mom” when she tries to tell him to do something. I admit to having told her point blank a couple times that she is mean and that I don’t like it and don’t know how to teach her to be nice. She just stares at me with a smirk on her face like, I’m not going to change, I like being in charge. Sigh. But I also know that telling her things like that aren’t the right approach and I desperately hope that she doesn’t internalize it and remember me saying that or start thinking that that is just who she is and that she can’t change it.

Last night when I was pretty down on myself I went to my bookshelf and pulled one off entitled, “Raising Happy Kids”. I have a tendency to hoard books, and have many that I haven’t read that I’ve picked up for free or cheap through the years. I can’t bring myself to get rid of them, though I may have to pick a few to discard as part of my only keeping those things that bring me joy campaign, when I get there. It was lucky for me last night because I was able to start reading one of the many parenting books that I have. Right off the bat I got some good tips and ideas and felt much better about how I was going to be and how I would like we as a new family of three to be going forward, starting as soon as the kids got home this afternoon.

The book immediately goes into how important it is for kids to have a healthy self-image and explains that you should know what makes each of your children who they are. It has you start by listing everything you can think of about your child’s personality, both strengths and weaknesses. I had a full page for each kid, and it was fun to do. The next step was to look at the list and see if there are any connections between the traits you like and the ones you don’t. For example, Phoebe is motivated and determined which make her successful at the sport she loves but also contribute to her bossy side. Julian has a vivid imagination, and I love seeing what he creates (usually with Legos or drawing) but he also doesn’t pay attention to what is going on around him (because he gets lost in his own world), and sometimes I have to ask him 3 or 4 times before he’ll do whatever I’ve asked for, which can be frustrating. The third step was to write down the child(ren)’s likes and dislikes. Again, I filled another full page for each of them, and this step was fun to do too. This was the part that eased my mind. I was so worried that I had permanently damaged Phoebe by telling her that she is mean, and that that’s why she said she missed her dad and wanted to be with him, not me. But the book says that if you are able to identify lots of things they don’t like, and not many things they do, that those are the kids who need to work on their self-esteem because they will find it much easier to “define themselves by the negative” if they don’t have a clear idea of themselves. Phew, Phoebe has lots of things she likes! Step 4 is to think about how you can give them space to be themselves and to do the things they like to do. Thinking back on our summer, Phoebe learned to ride her bike without training wheels and has gotten better and better. She has been asking for weeks to go on a bike ride together but my bike tires are deflated and our pump is broken so I always end up walking while she rides but that means she has to stop and wait often or turn around and come back toward me. I went out and bought a bike pump today before they got back, and we ran out of time to go tonight but made a plan to go on Tuesday after camp. The same goes for swimming. She has been bound and determined to learn to swim this summer and wants to go almost every chance she gets. But Julian says he doesn’t like it and it is easier for me to stay home so I can get something done so we haven’t gone as much as I thought we would, or as much as she’d like. We did go today though! And Julian always has a good time once he’s there. Step 5 is to tell them once in a while what it is that you like about them, and to spell it out so that they realize you understand them and they feel proud of themselves.

I’m only half a chapter in but I really like the book and did my best to apply some of the techniques tonight. I read my list of their personality traits and likes and dislikes to them after dinner and they got a kick out of it. I explained what compromise is and congratulated them for compromising without complaint when I said we were going to go swimming (like Phoebe wanted) but would only stay a short time (so we could get back home like Julian wanted). They agreed that it was much better than fighting and that a little of what they wanted was better than none at all.

Parenting is a constant work in-progress but in general it is maybe the one thing in my life that I feel like I am succeeding at, most of the time.