I may have mentioned a time or two that I am not very good in social settings. I long to be able to strike up a conversation with anyone and not feel awkward, to get invited to things and actually show up, to feel confident enough to enjoy myself at events. This has always been extremely difficult for me. I don’t make friends easily, feel I don’t know how, and if by some miracle someone seems to be able to look past my strange nature I often push them away before too long. This is why it was so amazing that Jon and I became such good friends and stayed friends for so long. And why I doubt I will ever be in a relationship again. You want a real awkward story? Maybe someday I’ll tell you about my high school experience. But it’s too embarrassing and though I am getting better about sharing, that’s a story I’m not quite ready to tell yet.
I have a history of turning down invitations. I make plans, accept invites periodically, but then get so nervous when the time comes that I often choose not to go at all. I get nervous because I want friends, want to have a good time, and don’t want to ruin it. I feel like it is almost better to just be glad I received the invitation than to go and never get invited back, which in my mind, is without a doubt what would happen. So I make an excuse, though always based on reality, as to why I can’t come. I never have out-right lied, but I do use my situation to find a reason not to go. And then I stay home and hate myself for being who I am. If I am able to push myself to go then I almost always have a good time. You’d think by now I would realize that and just go anyway. Having kids has made it a bit easier. If it is something that they know about or are coming with me to then I can’t back out. Just another perk of having children!
Michelle invited us over on Tuesday because I reached out to say that I was really not doing well at all. The kids knew so we went even though I didn’t want to (I did want to, just last minute thought I shouldn’t) and went on a fun hike together while the kids played with her daughter. A couple weeks ago I got invited to go paddle boarding which is something I have always wanted to try. We scheduled the plans for yesterday and when the time came I said I had too much work to do at the gym. Which was true, and I went and got a ton done yesterday morning, but I probably could have done it today instead. See what I mean about using my circumstances to make an excuse? We rescheduled for today and I had to psyche myself up all last night not to cancel. I woke up and somehow knew I was going to be able to do it. It was SO MUCH FUN! We paddled up and down the river for about 3 hours, including a stop for lunch with our feet hanging off the boards into the water. It was a beautiful day and the water was smooth and the paddling was easy and relaxing. It was absolutely perfect.
I don’t know what made me go today instead of cancel. It would be so nice if I followed through on plans more often. Maybe I am changing more than I think. Let’s hope so. Anyone want to plan something? Let’s see if I can stick to the plan!
Loving Me, Myself and I 
2 plans kept this week is such an improvement for you! So proud of you! I too had a very shy and awkward high school experience… to the extent that my English teacher emailed my mom to ask if I was mute. Being social or the thought of being social gave me such bad anxiety. The longing to have fun and friends was torture… especially when I got so anxious I turned stuff down.
It took years for my attending things to outnumber the times I cancelled plans due to anxiety. To this very day when I get invited to do something new with people I don’t know very well but wish to, my anxiety gets so bad I sometimes throw up on the way! You are not alone in these feelings.
Keep at this one. Friends and new experiences and making memories can bring so much joy to your life! This is such a great thing to be working on! You can do it!
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Thank you. Sometimes it feels like so much work. I do want it to be different but it’s hard.
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I’m kind of on the opposite side of the spectrum from you, Ginger. I have historically been such a committed, reliable planner in which I plan stuff way out in advance and feel obligated to make every plan or else I’ll disappoint the other person/people involved. I put SO much pressure on myself to meet other people’s expectations (or what I think they’re expecting) that I was giving myself anxiety. I caused myself literal stomachaches, headaches and hair loss because I was trying to be all things to all people.
My dad’s death has given me an important opportunity to step back, pull back from making plans, and really assess what I WANT to do before I commit to anything. It’s been hard, but totally freeing! And my mental health is better for it.
I guess I share that to suggest that you should commit to plans that you actually WANT to do. Don’t force yourself to hang with friends just because you think you should. Think about what activities would most benefit you. What would bring you joy? laughter? relaxation? pleasure? Focus on incorporating more of those types of activities into your schedule. But most importantly, be easy on yourself. Riss is right on in her post above — it takes time, patience and kindness with yourself.
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Really good advice, Nikki, thanks. I think I rarely do something just because I want to.
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