Remember yesterday I had looked back at my therapy notes and discovered the idea for throwing every thought out onto paper as to what you want in life, and what your dreams are? Did anyone try it? I did it tonight. At first the things I wrote down were things I could have told you I wanted out of life without having to write them down to know what they were. But eventually I got a little bit deeper, and more questions formed. I think I’m going to have to do this exercise a few more times before I really figure it out. In the end, I knew what to work on for the time being, and I stopped brainstorming. Here are my thoughts.

What do I want in life?

Love. Toward myself and others. From others. I haven’t been good at giving or receiving love in the past. I was too worried about staying strong in case love was taken away. Guess what? It got taken away. And I was far from strong. I was a mess. Should have given more and let myself receive it. There was so much coming at me. I pushed it away. Hindsight is 20/20 I suppose. I’ve learned my lesson. I’m ready now.

Friends. I’ve always wanted this and have never had them. Not really. I don’t know how to be one but I’m trying. And I think I’m getting a little better.

The ability to share my feelings without feeling guilty or ashamed.

A house that feels like a home.

A job I love and feel successful at.

Healthy, happy kids.

Free time. What will I do? Work on the house? What else?

Hobbies. Play piano? Hike? I bet it will be fun to discover some.

The feeling of fulfillment. How will I get this?

To help people through their feelings. I’ve really enjoyed hearing from others that my sharing has helped them through their own stuff. Is it realistic to think I might somehow find a way to continue helping others?

To feel like I am important, like I belong here in this world. To feel valued.

To be a good mom. I want my children’s heads filled with wonderful childhood memories. I want to have close relationships with them until the day I die.

To feel comfortable with myself.

To discover who I am.

To be productive every day. I really want this. This is something I struggle with and I think my expectations here are sometimes a bit higher than reality. Maybe this isn’t realistic. Maybe some days won’t be productive. Maybe that’s ok.

To be happy. How often can I expect this? What about bad days? How long will they last? Can I get myself out of them?

What are my dreams?

I don’t really have any at the moment. But I don’t like going through life without them. Let’s attempt to come up with some. Do I still have dreams surrounding the gym? Yes, I think so. It isn’t exactly as I pictured it yet. There is still lots of room for improvement. Do I care enough to put the time in? Where do I think I am most valuable? Coaching Optionals? Compulsories? Staff? I think the latter, maybe. I can always learn more but I do have quite a lot of knowledge of the sport due to the time I’ve spent teaching it. I think sharing that knowledge with the staff is perhaps way more fulfilling and important than coaching a few kids. Maybe this is a role I can take on in the future. Will it be enough for me? It’s not time to try right now. Maybe soon.

Do I want another job? Jon is pushing me to get one because he thinks I should be making more money but I think also because he knows I have mornings off when the kids are in school. He works insane hours, and has virtually no free time, and I think has the same expectation for me. But those are his values. He is choosing to work that much. I don’t agree. I have considered another job during the day and if I found something I think I’d like I would definitely give it a try. Not sure what to look for though.

Do I dream of another romantic relationship? No. I feel like I’m never going to want one again. I do miss the trust though. Knowing that I could share my deepest thoughts and that I won’t be judged. At least that’s how I picture an intimate relationship should be. I was never able to share anything too deep so I wouldn’t know. I do wish I could have someone to share things with. But just that one part.

What else do I dream of? The house. That is my biggest project right now. It occupies much of my mind. So for now turning my house into a home I love is my short-term dream. I know I’ll need something long-term but for the time being that is something that I can strive for, just so I don’t have nothing.

Well, that was a lot of pretty random thoughts thrown at you. That’s how it was for me too, throwing them at the paper. I think I’ll go back and re-read them in the morning and see what I think of them. Good night.

Love,

Ginger